Here is a very short thing I wrote half a year ago. I think I eventually want to put some fiction and attempts at poetry on here as well. I haven’t thought much about these two, especially not Elizabeth, who currently still feels like a Token Asexual in my mind – a lot of my headcanon about them revolves around balancing a super-sexual Annette with a slightly repulsed Elizabeth.

She’d seen the search history terms in the little Google drop-down list on Annette’s computer: “Social network analysis” AND feminism NOT facebook. Will girlfriend mind if I’m not a virgin. Matlab license expired. Matlab crack torrent. (Why Annette didn’t just ask the IT department for help was always a mystery to Elizabeth.) Does my girlfriend want to have sex with me. Is two months too soon sex. What the hell is a segmentation fault. C “segmentation fault” C null pointer. How do i ask my girlfriend to sex. She’d have laughed out loud at the last one if it hadn’t filled her with a wave of fear.

Elizabeth had followed that search term and a trail of purple links to a slightly dubious how-to website with featured articles like “How To Start A Bar Fight”, though she had to admit that the suggestions there were good. When Annette eventually brought the topic up, three weeks later, it had been comfortable, pressure-free, and consistent with the guide to the letter: even the way she had phrased her questions was identical.

Oh, Annette.


redbeardace on Tumblr is asking about what to include in his planned The Asexual’s Guide to Orgasms:

As I mentioned last week, I’m considering writing some stuff regarding orgasms and masturbation from an asexual point of view.

Before I begin, I’d like to find a bit about what you all think should be covered in it.  Is there anything you think is important to mention?  Is there anything you’d like to know (or wish you’d known years ago)?  I’ll probably be setting up an anonymous survey to get a wide range of perspectives, so are there any questions you’d like to see asked there?  Is there anything you think it would be best to avoid?

Since I have a few more followers now (thanks!), I thought I’d try to help promote his post on WordPress in addition to replying on Tumblr. Asexual arousal is another topic that’s important to me and one that I’ve written a bit about in my private correspondence, because its presence is confusing. If I think about it too much, it tends to make me do a little shuffle among the asexual spectrum before settling back down at my current default, ‘asexual-ish’.

I think it would also be a very good idea for allosexuals to hop over to his blog to submit questions or comments they might have (click here to do it!). Perhaps due to the nature of our orientation being defined as the absence of something else, I feel like discussion in the asexual community has a tendency to devlolve into wild mass guessing and blind men’s arguments. Which is why I really like it when I’m browsing through AVEN threads (usually arrived from frantic Google searches in moments of self-doubt) and see a ‘I’m not asexual, but…’ post.

Allosexuality, asexuality; neither makes sense without the presence of the other, and I am all for more non-asexual people joining the discussion. It’s surprisingly difficult to find sexual perspectives that are written with the same sort of specificity and objectivity with which aces discuss sexual attraction and romantic/platonic feelings. (Which are hugely helpful, by the way.) I don’t mean that it’s hard to find objective writings on allosexuality; more that writings on allosexuality – not about particular facets of allosexuality, about sexual attraction itself – don’t even seem to exist. I suspect it may be because the world at large generally assumes that discussions like those don’t need to happen – everyone knows what sexual attraction feels like, everyone knows what sex means, everyone has sex or wants to have sex, right?

All right, my actual responses to redbeardace, which are necessarily a bit squicky and hence under a cut:

Read More

My Facebook newsfeed today brought a recent initiative called Come Out, Come Home (COuCH) to my attention. This appears to be a project by Sayoni in partnership with International Coming Out Day, and a platform for Singaporeans who have come out to share their stories – where, to whom, and how they came out; subsequent reactions; dealing with fallout etc. I quite liked that it was for both LGBTQ people and allies – coming out as an ally is no less significant (or terrifying!).

After reading both the stories currently posted on the website (from Ding Tai Boon and Stephanie Wong) I ate a bit more of my avocado and waited for a rush of motivation to be more out to hit me.

Nothing happened.

The idea and stories were lovely, of course, but I just wasn’t feeling particularly enthusiastic about the idea. I wasn’t strongly against it, but it didn’t really call to me the way it might have a year ago. Still, I dragged myself over to their pledge form, and filled out most of it before I paused and gave up. Only later did I realize that this didn’t feel quite right because I was trying too hard to do being gay* ‘right’ all over again.

Read More

I’m lying on my bed, propped up with pillows, feeling thankful for the five days’ medical leave my surgeon just gave me – now I have five days to…work on things I can’t do at work, but work nevertheless – and since half of my mouth is useless, the other half can taste nothing but blood and spit, and I can neither exert nor feed myself, I might as well write my first proper post for Brain Fallout. There’s some information about me on the About page, so today I’d like to talk more about the blog itself.

It’s a curse of the writing-inclined to constantly want to create streams of words, even about nothing. Once sentences start forming, ego steps in, surveys the scene, and decides that other people must be interested in them too. So we post our sentences on blogs and hope that friends and strangers alike leave comments, +1s, likes – it’s a validation that we aren’t on intellectual islands, and an invitation to discuss topics important to us when those around us disappoint.

This blog has been many months in the making, if only in my mind. I’ve been keeping diaries since I was nine years old, and often make note of things that catch my attention with a little ‘write later’ next to them (these prompts are never revisited, of course) – so hopefully this place will motivate me to develop my random ideas a bit further. I’ve also always wanted a small body of ‘proper’ writing associated with my name.

On some issues, like relationships and gender/(a)sexuality, I want to add my voice to the existing chorus because I feel like my situation is slightly more complicated than most (in that I’ve found few in similar situations online), and also because these are issues best worked through by discussion with others and thinking out loud. There are people at university who are understanding and well-informed, but these really aren’t things you just bring up over dinner. And then there’s simple numbers: there simply aren’t enough people around me who aren’t straight but are still a bit fuzzy on the details, aren’t sexual, come from a conservative Asian background, so on and so forth. Another hope of putting my story up in the interwebs is that someone – just one person is enough – will come across the posts and breathe a sigh of relief at not being the only one.

I thought for three months about whether or not to start a blog like this. I have a personal blog, locked to a small group of five friends. For a period of time when I was younger I also maintained a blog that managed to somehow hit 50k pageviews – a lot of people have issues with Microsoft Word and paragraphs, apparently. For this new blog I really wanted to blog publicly under my real name, so that I’d have something to show people when they asked for writing samples, and so that I’d be known as more than a quiet girl who likes fantasy and computers. The main consideration holding me back was safety: my circles lean liberal, at least socially, and I’m exceedingly blunt, sometimes to the point of rudeness, with my friends. But the society I come from –  and to which I must ultimately return (for now) – is definitely not. I am under some circumstances that make it riskier than usual to go too far from the social norms of my country, which are shifting – yes! slowly but surely – but still different in many ways from how I think at the present moment.

In the end my compromise solution is this: I blog on Brain Fallout under a pseudonym, but publicize it on Facebook under my own name to a trusted circle of readers. Meanwhile, I’ll also write on my personal (and professional, I suppose) blog about technology, education and whatnot. This arrangement basically means that anything too controversial for my regular blog comes to Brain Fallout, so despite my assurance that this blog will be more than gender and sexuality, those topics are probably going to come up a fair bit. I’m thinking I’ll also post some creative writing here. Attempts at poetry, venty emotional passages, fanfiction, that kind of thing.

God, I really hate this operative gauze – every swallow I take triggers a gag reflex and brings tears to my eyes. Sorry. Anyway, I have a reputation for being wordy and going in circles if left to write with absolute freedom, so I’ll end this post here. I moved some post ideas for Brain Fallout to my other blog, so it may be a while before the next post – but it will come, it will come.