I’m not sure where to put this, but I want to write it down and proclaim it somehow, so I’ll stick it here on a pseudonymous blog that I haven’t touched in two years because it reminds me of a time I’d prefer never to go back to.
I think I finally learned how to execute a very important life skill at last in the past few weeks, one my parents have been exhorting me to practice for years, that of learning to look at the positive side of things, to adjust my framing of a situation, to live with my choices and consciously decide to make the best of situations – even if they aren’t ideal, or if there are still important outstanding problems that need to be fixed. It’s always felt intellectually or emotionally dishonest to me, like I’m running away from my problems, sticking my head in the sand, maybe even gaslighting myself. It doesn’t help that I’ve been a local pessimist from a young age (although always globally optimistic about the overall scheme of things; this is often too high-level to help resolve struggles at the day-to-day level and often makes me feel worse for having those worries). I think it’s good that I still do not feel comfortable with this new approach: it means that I won’t be truly ignoring small fractures until the ground collapses beneath me; I’ll be aware of them still. But maybe this gets me closer to a balance that is healthier for my mental well-being than a state of perpetual dissatisfied crisis. “Cautious optimism” was what a friend termed it.
I often find myself jerking myself back to reality and reminding myself to not be too caught up in appearances, to not assume that all is okay. But, at least based on some preliminary data, choosing to maintain laser focus on the positives and to redirect energy away from being upset has made my day-to-day life a lot more worry-free and actually improved (I think) the original situations. As long as I can somehow make sure that this doesn’t turn into maintaining an empty facade of positivity, as many of my classmates do (to disastrous result), it should be okay. Still alpha testing; have to work the kinks out. Soon it will be time for round two as I start living with what a decision made today has set into motion.