I’m lying on my bed, propped up with pillows, feeling thankful for the five days’ medical leave my surgeon just gave me – now I have five days to…work on things I can’t do at work, but work nevertheless – and since half of my mouth is useless, the other half can taste nothing but blood and spit, and I can neither exert nor feed myself, I might as well write my first proper post for Brain Fallout. There’s some information about me on the About page, so today I’d like to talk more about the blog itself.
It’s a curse of the writing-inclined to constantly want to create streams of words, even about nothing. Once sentences start forming, ego steps in, surveys the scene, and decides that other people must be interested in them too. So we post our sentences on blogs and hope that friends and strangers alike leave comments, +1s, likes – it’s a validation that we aren’t on intellectual islands, and an invitation to discuss topics important to us when those around us disappoint.
This blog has been many months in the making, if only in my mind. I’ve been keeping diaries since I was nine years old, and often make note of things that catch my attention with a little ‘write later’ next to them (these prompts are never revisited, of course) – so hopefully this place will motivate me to develop my random ideas a bit further. I’ve also always wanted a small body of ‘proper’ writing associated with my name.
On some issues, like relationships and gender/(a)sexuality, I want to add my voice to the existing chorus because I feel like my situation is slightly more complicated than most (in that I’ve found few in similar situations online), and also because these are issues best worked through by discussion with others and thinking out loud. There are people at university who are understanding and well-informed, but these really aren’t things you just bring up over dinner. And then there’s simple numbers: there simply aren’t enough people around me who aren’t straight but are still a bit fuzzy on the details, aren’t sexual, come from a conservative Asian background, so on and so forth. Another hope of putting my story up in the interwebs is that someone – just one person is enough – will come across the posts and breathe a sigh of relief at not being the only one.
I thought for three months about whether or not to start a blog like this. I have a personal blog, locked to a small group of five friends. For a period of time when I was younger I also maintained a blog that managed to somehow hit 50k pageviews – a lot of people have issues with Microsoft Word and paragraphs, apparently. For this new blog I really wanted to blog publicly under my real name, so that I’d have something to show people when they asked for writing samples, and so that I’d be known as more than a quiet girl who likes fantasy and computers. The main consideration holding me back was safety: my circles lean liberal, at least socially, and I’m exceedingly blunt, sometimes to the point of rudeness, with my friends. But the society I come from – and to which I must ultimately return (for now) – is definitely not. I am under some circumstances that make it riskier than usual to go too far from the social norms of my country, which are shifting – yes! slowly but surely – but still different in many ways from how I think at the present moment.
In the end my compromise solution is this: I blog on Brain Fallout under a pseudonym, but publicize it on Facebook under my own name to a trusted circle of readers. Meanwhile, I’ll also write on my personal (and professional, I suppose) blog about technology, education and whatnot. This arrangement basically means that anything too controversial for my regular blog comes to Brain Fallout, so despite my assurance that this blog will be more than gender and sexuality, those topics are probably going to come up a fair bit. I’m thinking I’ll also post some creative writing here. Attempts at poetry, venty emotional passages, fanfiction, that kind of thing.
God, I really hate this operative gauze – every swallow I take triggers a gag reflex and brings tears to my eyes. Sorry. Anyway, I have a reputation for being wordy and going in circles if left to write with absolute freedom, so I’ll end this post here. I moved some post ideas for Brain Fallout to my other blog, so it may be a while before the next post – but it will come, it will come.